The Commish Report: Week 1
Happy Football Season Eve!
It’s been a year! Well not really, same ol same ol for me and my concubine. Steve came to see us, we saw Brad get married, we worked a lot, lots of animals doing animal stuff (pooping, mostly), we experienced the Barbenheimer, I’m trying something new with my hair. Welp, now that we’re all caught up lets get into it maaaaannnnn.
You order some bold predictions from the 2023 fantasy football season, extra bold? ORDER UP!
I’m BOLDLY all in on Daaaaaaaaa Bears in 2023. I’ve been a Fields believer since he arrived and now he has a better offensive line, a better WR room, and a much much better coaching staff in their 2nd year. Seems like every year a team goes from worst to first in their division and I’m so coked out high on the Bears that I have no reservations saying The Bears win the NFC North.
Tied to this prediction I will also say it falls back apart for the LOLions, who miss the playoffs. Weird this is considered a “bold” prediction, but there’s far too much LOLions hype right now that I will happily fart all over. I don’t believe in the organization, I don’t believe in head coach Hulk Hogan or anyone else on that coaching staff, I don’t believe in Goff, even their defense doesn’t believe in their defense, and I don’t believe in their GM who apparently ended last season thinking “We’re only a new RB room away from winning the Superbowl”. Bad franchises are bad for a reasons and the LOLions redefine the term “Bad Franchise” every few years. Mediocrity you can set your watch to.
Additionally, The Fantasy Football experts fall apart when David Montgomery gets 1st down work, 2nd down work, goal-line work and way passing more work than those “NFL Outsiders” anticipated, neutering Jahmyr Gibbs season. In case this is your first time in LOLions Land, they like to disappoint their fans, their players, and Vegas odds makers.
But the Steelers will reach the playoffs. Picket, Pickens, Najee, Diontee and me is a sneaky great offense, their defense remains spectacular, and I love coach Mike Tomlin. All. In. Mike Tomlin also wins coach of the year.
Denver remains at the bottom of the AFC West. Not really bold but I’m not really sold.
Darren Waller finishes no lower than TE2, maybe higher. Apparently they have to remove Waller from practice just to get Daniel Jones to throw to someone else. Waller to average 10 catches a game, lock in it!
Derrick Carr goes on a revenge tour, Saints dominate the NFC South.
Miles Sanders finishes as a top 10 RB.
So does Damien Pierce. I love Damien Pierce the way white women love Lizzo.
Rhamondre Stevenson finishes outside the top 15 RBs. Since becoming the Patriots’ head coach during my sophomore year of High School, Belicheat has had only 6 RBs run for more than a 1000 yards. SIX! And never in back to back seasons. Remember Corey Dillon? No? How about Steven Ridley? Well, you won’t remember Rhamondre Stevenson either.
Every Baltimore Raven flies lower than their ADP. Lamar kinda sucks at the accurately throwing a football forward part of being a quarterback and their plan for this offense is for him to throw more? A lot more? To OBJ and some rookies? Yeaaaaaa……
Biggest bust from the 1st round of the draft will be Cooper Kupp. For 30 year old Kupp to be the WR4 or better in 2023, where he was drafted, his hamstring would have to heal up, his hamstring would have to remain healed up til January, 35 year old Stafford’s back would have to hold up, 35 year old Stafford’s elbow would have to hold up, and PFF’s 28th ranked O-line would have to significantly out-perform that ranking, for Kupp to get the 100+ receptions and 1400+ yards it will take to reach that spot. Good luck with dat!
Fantasy Football Leaders at the end of the season:
QB1 — Jalen Hurts
RB1 — CMC
WR1 — Tyreek Hill
TE1 — Kelce
Kicker — Dicker (who else?)
Defense — Saints
IDP — Roquan Smith
AFC Playoff teams: Jaguars, Bengals, Chiefs, Bills, Chargers, Steelers, and NY Jets
NFC Playoff teams: Niners, Eagles, Saints, Chicago, Seattle, Green Bay, and Dallass
Superbowl: Chiefs vs Eagles (Running it back!)
Champion: Chiiiiiieeeeffffssss!!!! Be nice to have Stone Cold Jones back in the fold to help make this come true, and a healthy Kelce, but this is what I think happens and what I want to happen. Plus the Eagles have been bitching all off-season and I hate them.
MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!!! The Sacko-Bowl Rematch: Last season didn’t go well for either former champion. Shane’s team went about as far as Keenan Allen’s hamstring allowed it to go while Anne experienced the “Safe #1 Pick” Jonathan Taylor finish with less fantasy points than Latavius Murray. That punishment ice bath in Shane’s pool feels like it was only yesterday but months go by, hard nipples change to third nipples, and a new season arrives. I like both these squads evenly for the year, but I feel like Jacksonville is going to make a statement against a hapless Colts team while Keenan Allen will be the center of a shootout with Miami while Anne’s players face a murder’s row of fantasy fun ruining defenses . Shane does what he couldn’t do last year… wins in September, by 11pts.
The Not-So Last Dance vs Lady Boner for Ryan Reynolds: If you drafted either Jonathan Taylor or Travis Kelce, a week 1 win is an uphill battle. But if you drafted BOTH Jonathan Taylor AND Travis Kelce…..well week 1 is going about as well as Green Lantern did for Ryan Reynolds. Meanwhile I think Lamar does his typical amazing week 1 shit, Diggs cooks Sauce Gardner and Aiyuk does typical Aiyuk things (5 catches for 70 yards and a tuddy). Micah gets the win here, but Katie will be a problem in October when her drafted players actually start playing together. Micah by 20pts.
SomehowInThePlayoffs vs. Steve’s Meat Market: Old school league matchup with long timers Eric and Steve going head to head like its 2006 and Dallas Clark is someone’s Tight End. I’m real high on the Jaguars this season….but not as high as Eric with both Calvin Ridley AND Travis Etienne Jr on his team. But betting on a team that gets to play the Titans, Colts and Texans twice each this year is a smart bet. I’ll take E to win week one, and he thanks Yahoo for the team. E by 12pts.
High with Mahomies vs Pirate’s Boody: I don’t understand why Yahoo hates Mike’s team so much. Bijan, Pierce, Andrews, Dionte, Wilson….all ballers. I can see Tyreek and Herbert having huge opening weeks, but Mike has MUCH more talent than a 38% underdog would have and you know what? I’m still feeling bold from my bold predictions so I’ll say Mike gets the upset win here because fuck yahoo, that’s why. Mike by 8pts.
Knee Cappers vs Shock Y Asombro: Baker’s team name is literally a made up language of gibberish sounds and I still understand it’s meaning more than I understand what Knee Cappers means. Sunday night football’s Dallas vs New York is going to be fun to watch because I could see Dak throwing half a dozen INTs while over-targeting CeeDee Lamb and the Boys putting up less than 14 points. You see friends, we don’t know much going into week 1 of the season but we know more than Yahoo does and I’m calling another upset of Brad getting the win behind big games from Fields, Sun-God, AJ Brown, DJ Moore and fuck it I could even see a sneaky big game from Pacheco because Kelce will likely be limited and I’m a homer. Brad by 11pts.
Evil Shenanigans vs Victorious Secrets Okay Team: Ric Flair said it best, “In order to be the man, WHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! you have to beat the man!” And Kim wants to be the man, badly. Her double stacks of Titans and Commanders players is good when they’re playing a bad defense like the Arizona Cardinals and bad when they’re playing a good defense like the Saints. Also it helps if she had healthy WRs going into the season but with Kupp already ruled OUT and McLaurin about to join him….this ain’t the start she was hoping for when she left the draft. I’m gonna say Shenanigans prevails comfortably here, by 16 points.
Welp, if you’re still with me that’s all he/him wrote. I cannot wait to do absolutely nothing but watch football tomorrow night, all day Sunday, and of course Monday night too.
Hello old friend, welcome back.
The Champion
S.
