The Commish Report: Week 1
Previously on Fantasy Football.
I became champion and the whole world went to hell just like the gypsy said it would. But truth be told last season could not have possibly gone better your truly. I went 2 for 2 in winning fantasy football leagues…and then the Ducks won the Rose Bowl….and then the Chiefs won the Superbowl…I guess what I’m saying is that if the price for my football fandom success is a global pandemic I might take that deal again and again and again and again. And again.
That said the theme of the 2020 season for me is gratitude. I love this time of year and I’m feeling very fortunate that the season is still going to happen after so many other things in 2020 weren’t able to happen. Actually I feel very fortunate about a lot of things this year when so many probably better people than me got blind-sided by everything 2020 had to offer. So I’m thankful we get to do this and thankful for all of you who want to play. Even Casey.
How about some predictions for the 2020 season?
Cam Newton will finish as high as QB5 and as low as QB8 in Fantasy. You think Cam’s motivated to prove he’s not done? You think Bill Belicheat is motivated to win without Brady? Exactly.
This will be the last season for a long time that you can get Josh Jacobs outside the 1st round. And I’m all in Jon Gruden’s Raiders finishing 2nd in the AFC West and making the playoffs (which they almost did last season).
Dallas will win 11 games and we’ll unfortunately see them in the playoffs. They’ve always had the talent but now they have competent coaching. These will be dark times my friends.
Tampa Bay will be the most exciting 7–9 team to watch in the history of the NFL.
One team will have a COVID-19 locker room emergency. That team will be the Saints and it will be Jameis Winston’s fault.
Big Ben Roethlisberger will win NFL Comeback player of the year award. David Johnson will finish 2nd in that voting.
AFC Playoff Teams: Chiefs, Ravens, Texans, Patriots, Raiders, Steelers
NFC Playoff Teams: Seahawks, Cowboys, Vikings, Panthers (worst to first!), LA Rams, Saints
Biggest fantasy bust from the first round will be….. Alvin Kamara. If the failing contract talks weren’t bad enough, Kamara had a freakin’ Epidural and missed 5 days of practice last week. The season hasn’t even begun and Kamara’s body is already experiencing stage three labor pains just by practicing.
Lamar Jackson will do everything he did last year and more. He’ll be a first round pick next season after he proves 2019 wasn’t a fluke. His favorite target will be Marquis Brown.
Chiefs run it back and win another Superbowl!!!!
MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!! Steve’s Meat Market vs. Ghost of Thad Castle: Steve went and drafted 5 players from the Cowboys as well as a guy named Dallas because he has a very sick addiction and requires professional help. But…alas… I actually expect Dallas to destroy the horrendous NFC East like (they were supposed to last season) so a good year to be a homer. Meanwhile, Shane went full Ricky Bobby in this year’s draft taking nothing but the highest of risk players. He’ll finish first or repeat his Sacko finish from last season but it will be no where in-betweens. I respect that. I think his team will be great until week 3 when Cook and/or…and Gurley’s knee gives out (further) but he’ll get this week 1 win at the expense of Steve’s Meat……market. Thad by 16pts.
And She’s Back vs. A Football Team: So much of my mom’s success this week will depend on David Montgomery’s groin which is a really weird sentence to write but it’s true. Carla’s starting kicker doesn’t have a team to play for and she’s still heavily favored to win this matchup which I agree. A Football Team collects a week one football win by 18pts.
SomehowInThePlayoffs vs. TDs and Beer: I know Eric is heavily favored by Yahoo in this matchup but c’mon…. this is also Eric we’re talking about. And Erics don’t win against Mikes. They don’t. Eric loses and Mike wins by 12pts.
A Hard Gronk Life vs. Stay Mahomes: I’m not sure how Jake got away with stacking Ekler with Zeke but that’s probably the most dangerous 1–2 combo of RBs in our league. Katie went and stole my man Lamar Jackson after I spent 2019 calling out Lamar’s name but Fournette and Bell just don’t strike much fear into the hearts of fantasy managers any longer. At least not my black heart. Jake by 18pts.
NaughtyNurse vs. The Notorious One: How the hell is Micah heavily favored in this matchup? His two Running Backs are both apart of brutal time shares and the rest of his team are way past their primes. Meanwhile Anne has stud RBs, Deshaun of the Dead, Smooth Kenny G and a dude named Roberts and those be the names of winners. Anne by 9pts.
Evil Shenanigans vs. Shock y asombro: Yahoo Fantasy Football says Casey had a better draft than me but also that I’m heavily favored in our week 1 matchup to which I say yahoo knows nothing about anything ever. Also…I’m facing my favorite half mexican in week 1!!! Good riddance divisions, this is kicking things off with a la explosión which is casey-speak for “The explosion” and I’m here for it. Evil Shenanigans by 10pts.
We’re enemies now.
The Commish
S.
